Translation: Aboo Ubayy Sharif Hamzah
Questioner: I want to get married and I am now looking for a Ahlus Sunnah brother; what are the qualities of Ahlus Sunnah I should look for in him before I will agree that indeed he is a Ahlus Sunnah?
Ustadh Qamardeen; (Cuts in) so that you won't get married to a deceitful person?
Questioner: Yes!
Ustadh Qamardeen: Ah! I really like this question. There is no deity worth of worship except Allaah. By Allaah! By Allaah, I really like this question. May Allaah have mercy on us (unclear words). You see this question is great because there is no parent who would want his or her daughter to suffer. If one's daughter is suffering in her matrimonial home, by Allaah, it is one who is suffering.
That's the reason I will advise all the fathers out there who want to give out their daughter to just any brother, just any brother (against that)! Even if you know his deen and character, find out about him very well.
Some people worship Allaah but they are devoid of manners. Some people 's appearance is good but their heart is bad; Likewise, some people would pray in the night and fast (as an act of Ibaadah) but they can't endure (any hardship). Some people are religious, of good character and can endure but do not have money, and are not ready to seek a means of getting money!
All the aforementioned are essential parts of marriage. If marriage is devoid of one of them; the marriage may collapse (nclear words ).
If you know you don't have any means of sustenance, the Prophet - sallallaahu alahyi wa sallam - did not command you to marry, he orders you to fast till you will be able to have a means of sustenance to feed a woman.
Allaah also says (impliedly) that If you know you don't have the means of sustenance, don't go for Nikaah because if you go for it you will land your wife in problem.
If you have little money, the Prophet - sallallaahu alahyi wa sallam - orders you to marry that Allaah will enrich you out of His bounties. If you don't have a job or anything that could fetch you money, don't go for Nikaah.
Back to the question: whosoever wants to marry should look out for these four qualities in their prospective suitors.
One: don't marry one who associates partners with Allaah; one who believes in using (some special) soap, idols, false deities, incantations, amulets, etc - who does not believe only Allaah can do because if you marry someone who associates partners with Allaah, the marriage will collapse.
Two: marry a Allaah fearing person, who is gentle he will fear Allaah. Fasting is and act of piety. If a woman offends such a person, he would be gentle in dealing with her.
Three: marry someone who is well mannered - who has good Manners. If you don't have good manners, you can't marry a woman, you must be patient.
Finally, marry someone who has a job (a means of sustenance). We would make findings about these things without his knowledge.
If he (the man) now wants to make it in a hurry; he comes and says : daddy, I have seen your daughter, I want to marry her. Do you consent to it? We would do Aqdun-nikaah in a couple of days. You should tell him "No, not in our house! We would make findings about you; I am not doubting you because you're a Muslim but we would still make findings about you.
We would come to your house and ask of your parents, your siblings, and your friends. You will tell him to give you four phone numbers of people you can call. After that you will tell him to go to your mother's younger sister living in Ogbomoso (or any far place) to inform them that he wants to marry their daughter!
After leaving Ogbomoso, tell him to go to Badagry the week after to meet one of your elder brothers. After that you will ask him to go to your younger sister living in Zaria and inform her he wants to marry my daughter.
As you're telling him to go to all these far places, your daughter will become more worthy in his face, your daughter's love will increase in his heart.
But If you say we know him very well, we do pray in the masjid together, he is a nice person, and you marry out your daughter to him, I give you up to six months or a year; if he doesn't divorce your daughter, your daughter might regret she got married to him.
You see, the brothers we know yesterday are different from the brothers we know today because we (the brothers of today) don't know the worth of a lady.
The above narration is with experience! Even there is a saying which goes thus; What you don't pay for, you won't know its worth.
Allaah says: "And relate with them (your wives) in goodness." That's it. If he is religious and he is well mannered but he doesn't have a means of sustenance, don't marry him! Or if you can't take a pre-dawn meal you should be able to take an Iftar.
You requested for money in the morning, he said he doesn't have, likewise in the afternoon and in the night. You know, the bone (of the wife) will later show under the Jilbaab (as a result of hunger).
But if he has means of sustenance that can put food on the family's table and cater for the family, praise be to Allaah, this is sufficient, it is not a must he owns a car.
There are ṣome sisters who request for brothers who have cars before accepting their proposals. I want to ask: did your father have a car before your mother agreed to marry him?
Endeavour to put her in a spacious house; living in one room with your wife is not good because she won't be free and there won't be privacy. Even you will not be able to entertain guests. If your brother or other relative comes to visit you, where would he sleep?
May Allaah enrich us. Aameen.
Sisters too should do Istikhaarah before the die is cast, do not say: this man is not good!
By Allaah!, By Allaah!, By Allaah! Part of the goodness we have been commanded to do to our wives is taking care of their parents. It is not compulsory but it is necessary. Your wife will be happy with it, isn't it? And Allaah says and relate with them with goodness. And Allaah knows best.
(Source: Question 10 on the tape: Duties and Rights of Spouses in Islaam).
